- I want to rewrite my novel.
- I want to dance. Often.
- I want to be a clown.
- I want to become a real webmaster.
- I want to paint. Maybe even take a class. Or two
These goals actually confirm my inkling towards a decision to no longer play competitive roller derby. Not that I played hard, or played for a long enough time to be “retiring.” I still want to coach the juniors, and occasionally coach bootcamp’s endurance-based practices. And I definitely am sticking to my role as production manager for my league’s bouts!
But play on a team? Not anymore. I joined roller derby for very specific reasons, mainly to network and find a community. Those aren’t proper reasons for playing in a team. Actually my reasons can hurt a team since my dedication is just not up to par. I [almost] don’t care about winning or losing, although it’s a helluva lot more fun to win than it is to lose. I just don’t really care about that level of competition.
The commitment is too big and keeps me from taking concrete steps towards my goals. Even if I’m not at practice because I’m too wore out, I’m not writing because I’m torn and feeling guilt and regret for not being at practice. Not a good frame of mind for writing. Plus writing requires more reading. I need to be reading more fiction to keep my creative juices flowing.
I also do want to be a clown. Or at least stick to my improv group if not do more improv. This also requires more freedom of mind. Which is why having my mindfulness group before improv is the perfect combo. I enter that room without any baggage – a key to successful improvisations.
I’ve already started taking steps and very concrete actions to making these goals happen. And I know I need to free up more time, especially more downtime where I have the peace of mind to process all of this. The pressures of playing roller derby are simply too demanding and stressful. I’ve been tormenting myself over this.
The worst part is that the main reason why I struggled with keeping the decision was ego. There. I fucking said it. Ego kept me wanting to play. Do you have any idea how people react when I tell them I play roller derby? It’s rad! Even my landlord who’s currently looking for a new roommate uses that as a selling strategy in his Craigslist ad. He posted a picture of me playing roller derby and presented me as a roller derby rockstar. I told him it was a lie but he insists I’m one of the biggest selling point.
The lies we tell to attract others.
I don’t want to lie, not to anybody and especially not to myself. Yes, this is a big aspect that keeps my sense of self esteem in check. A lot of my self-confidence comes from saying those words: I play roller derby. But saying “I’m writing a novel” or “I’m a clown” or “I coach roller derby” or “I dance as if nobody is watching and do it as often as possible” are also killer self esteem anchors.
On the topic of unconditional love (not that I was on it), if I am so adamant at loving others unconditionally: meaning I don’t care what you do, I love you for who you are, then why can’t I love myself unconditionally? Who cares what I do. I am an awesome person. End of story.
I love myself unconditionally. I love my quirks. I love my weird social awkwardness where I can just break out and tell people what I love most of them. Who cares if it’s uncool. I do it because I want people to know I care about them. I want people to feel good about themselves. I love my bags under my eyes. They don’t just tell a story. They tell my story. They sing my story. And what a story it is… I’ve had such a fantastic life. And now I’m poised for a new phase. I have no idea where it will take me!
It’s both exciting and frightening at the same time.
So yeah… the reasons why I joined derby initially ended up being filled by coaching the juniors. God I love those girls. I love the love I get from them. My reasons for joining also got filled by the production work I do. I love filling my life with events. I’m on top of the world during an event. Not much brings me so much joy as that. Other than dancing.
I’m always happy when I’m dancing.