Being a Loner

Being a loner, I often wonder how people who surround themselves with others live their lives. I often wonder about their routines and how their days are filled.

When I was young, on the spur of the moment I’d call friends to ask them what they were doing right then and there. I wanted to know if they were pealing potatoes or making mixed tapes or talking to their mom about the birds and the bees. I needed to know!

I mainly fill my time with me-time. It’s weird too because I spend so much time alone I try to find ways to meet up with others.  Most times when I do get invited to social events, I find reasons for not going.

Another oddity to my being a loner is it seems to me I’ve been mainly alone my whole life, yet I grew up with 3 older sisters. But they had their friends, and their lives. I have one sister who’s really close in age, she always had a wild circle of friends. They allowed me to tag along because of the age proximity. But they weren’t my friends, they were borrowed.

Decisions and choices I’ve made throughout my life have ultimately isolated me further and further away from my family. I’m in San Diego, they’re pretty much all in Montreal. A three-thousand-mile drive.

So what gives?

Why have I chosen this life? Or has it chosen me? Stupid question. I know. I chose it. But why?

I was invited to go camping for the weekend with friends. But I chose to stay home. Many times my roommate has invited me to join her on one of her weekend adventures. Other than the whale sharks, I chose to stay home. I don’t regret this time I’ve spent by myself. Slowing down.

I often get accused of being a busy-body. Shockingly, I’m not.

I can spend hours just sitting on the couch, listening to music, and contemplating my life. Daydreaming about new adventures. Visioning myself in the life I want. Not that I’m not currently living the life I want… But you have to have a fucking vision too!

These moments of contemplation and reflection sometimes frighten me. I put too much pressure on myself. You should hear my inner dialog when I make a mistake. Oh lordy! I’m learning to slowly let go of that bad shit. To forgive myself. To breathe. Slowly and deeply.

And then I just run out and play and laugh. You can’t say that you really know me until you’ve heard my laughter. I inherited it from my mom. Wide open mouth and total release of everything. It’s exhilarating. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.


When I got home that night, I noticed the smiling jack-o-lantern in my front yard was crushed.

And I was as crushed as the lantern. Yes the pumpkin had gone way beyond its life expectancy. It was wrinkled beyond recognition, the flies had long stopped buzzing around it. The flies had moved on, it was my turn. This was our last thing. Our last project together. Was I ready to move on? Continue reading Crushed

When I grow up I will run away and join the circus…


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